14 Desember 2011

Afraid of being Old

Today, my grandfather was rushed into ICU at around 3AM this morning. His condition was reaching critical level. And it hasn't been better up until afternoon. And at 4pm, we were rushed to get B-type blood to supply him. We were told to gather as many family member as we can to prepare for his last day(s). I rushed myself to the hospital to prepare for the blood supply, and now, here we are, waiting around ICU to wait for the latest info of granddad's condition. And prepare for the bad news.

It has been a few days that he has been hospitalized because he hadn't been very well at house. He hardly eat a lot, drink less than 200ml per day. It seems that he had trouble drinking or eating. I don't know whether it is because something caught up in his throat or it is that he was merely unspirited to take the nutrition we gave. All he does was sleeping for most of his days. It is his second time being hospitalized in this month. A few months ago, I still remember him able to move from bedroom to the terrace to see the surrounding and inhaling air. But this month, he can only lie down in his bed and rarely go to the bathroom to pee or poop until eventually obliged to wear diapers to prevent him unable to reach bathroom in time. I watch him drinking from glass, to drinking from a bottle of mineral water using straw until he can only drink if we spoon him bit by bit until a maximum three tiny spoons of water.

I haven't seen him in full health monitoring equipment as people say for those who has been treated in ICU. But I guess something like that is not the state I want to live in my old days.

I have two things in mind: 1, being pictured the state of old and rusty human, 2, that I'm going to lose the last granddad I have in a matter of hour.

Seeing my old granddad bring me the picture of who I will be in 50-60 years; thin, bald, running out of teeth, lack of vision, lack of hearing, incapable of chewing or even drinking. I wonder if these are the picture of someone who thinks about too many things in his mind while lacking the time to speak of it or solve his problems. He is a kind of person that doesn't like boasting or grumbling or yelling at other people that he has problems or that to the people he thinks he has a problem with. He likes it to keep everything in his mind only, speaking things that never solve his problems, saying the same thing such that it seems unsolvable. Those things keep lingering his mind for a long time. He is a type of person that finds it hard for himself to tell someone when he is wrong,or even say things he doesn't like to the person himself. He keeps it in his bottom of his heart only. Now, I can only see that whenever he has thoughts that troubles him, he got sick. And when he can't stop thinking it, he got hospitalized for his blood sugar level rising drastically, though he keeps his sugar diet.

Now, by the time I finish this writing,after two days of writing delays, I am 30minutes past his death. May he rests in peace, being released from painful and suffocating life, being freed from painful thoughts. And may this death moves us on forward.

We miss you, granddad.

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